cheaplipsticksmiles

NewLink

2008-10-19T19:46:00.000-07:00

INSTANTPHOTO.LIVEJOURNAL.COM

There's nth much to your face.

2008-10-18T10:04:00.000-07:00

Since Primary 5[when I was young and stupid and thought makeup was cool], I've never ever tagged as an anonymous freak on anybody's blog just to trash that person.
Well I do get alot of that alot nowadays, after the Igy thing.
Isn't it amazing. He gets away with everyth.
Well kiss your balls, world.
There's nothing very talented/intellectual about leaving this kinda tags. If you ain't got nothing good to say, don't say it. But I guess you're just another swellhead who gets an ego boost from leaving such superficial comments?
Ugly or pretty, whore or innocent virgin, does it matter or make a difference? You're not very innocent yourself, and if you're really pretty then you're better off a nicer person so at least there'll be smth to like about you.
Some people find it really proud to be a bitchy person. It's a theory I've never understood yet witnessed all my life. It's gna be a cycle 'cause nth can change that fact. You're gonna be labelled as some anonymous fuck who came on my blog and called me a slut/whore/bitch/boyfriendstealer/uglyfreak and inside ur just another shallow person the world can do without.
And prolly, when you read this, you might either:
1) Get upset, and start saying that you don't really care but continue to tag on my blog with ur superficial comments,
OR,
2) start telling all your gfs & bfs that I'm such a bitch, trying to talk about superficiality on my blog when I'm better off a whore.

Then again, comments like this on my blog will never end, so go ahead and enjoy the show. I don't even know what I can think of to defend myself 'cause it doesn't even make anysense entertaining all this lifeless people.
Danielle's right.
Well whoever it is, I hope you get your ego inflated for the day and ur most welcomed to come back again to let your small head swell. Maybe it'll swell bigger than my flat chest.

Lost my memory card, can't rmb where I put it. Had lots of retarded pics that I'd love to upload, but bummer. Rugby on Wednesday and it was fun+retarded but hard. Running around with no clue what to do, next to ACS we prolly look like ducks trying to jump.
Been trying to complete the dance and prolly been really bitchy toward Shili but really, if she's got nth to offer in the dance room she might as well not come in. It's not like she puts in effort to learn anyth, she just goes half past 6.
Doing lots of photos on the sports events @ AG too, and gotta complete 2 videos for the ani dinner, I'm gg retarded nuts.
Spent Friday as a model for Evon's artistic venture, I like to call it. All the funny many layered eyeshadow/shimmer/don'tknowwhat on my face. Took me years to get it off.
Today morning at Macs with Kenneth, for some reason I got really emotional/frustrated about all the guy friends in my life. Like all of 'em getting attached and I don't have a normal weird guyfriend anymore 'cause they're just proving to be like any other guy, which is boring 'cause I like weird guys who don't go into relationships as good friends. Not that I like gays or anyth but throw one in my face and maybe we'd get along real fine.
Then I refused to wear my allstars 'cause I felt weird wearing shoes. It's like I'm used to going barefooted or in slippers so I walked around barefooted until me and Ken could find a slipper to buy.
But nothing takes the cake like today's youth rally @ TPSH. Love it love it love it, and the class was awesome and that' s a real shock for me and Kenneth 'cause we always thought our class was just lifeless and useless 'cause they hardly did anyth but sit and rot. Today they totally transformed into another screaming bunch of idiots and during praise+worship we were all jumping about, sweat flying around and it was fun.
Met Zach @ Macs after the rally for dinner, which wasn't really dinner cuz we both didn't eat except his Justin friend. Then they prolly left to drink or smth else that I'm bound to find out two months later.

sleep with makeup days

2008-10-11T09:31:00.000-07:00

I want to look preeetttttty in my dreams tonight so I won't wash my makeup off tonight.
No I'm just too damn lazy/sad/down/low/depressed/confused/overwhelmed to do so. Once I'm done online I'll just knock out and never wake up forever.
And no, nobody will know why I'm lazy/sad/down/low/depressed/confused/overwhelmed except Melvin, who I presume doesn't understand what I'm gg through too by the way we're texting each other.
People talk, people tell, people say. Let go and know that your heart must move on. Make a mistake once, admit it and learn from it. Don't hold on to empty hope anymore 'cause it's like drinking out of an empty cup.
Boys are redundant. They're not neccessary.
Girls should just break all the guy's hearts 'cause it's the guys that break[tear] their hymens.
Of course that's pretty unfair of me to have said that 'cause there are so many other girls who end up with the right guys.
But when life's such a bitch/itch like mine, you'd just wish God created Adam and stopped there without Eve. No, who am I to judge God's works.
I hardly talk to anyone anymore 'cuz I sense this dissappointment in their voices. Maybe I should stop talking to Karen about him too 'cuz I'm just wasting her time everynight while we're laughing and joking and bitching about 'em boys. Friends are there as friends, not as advice rooms.
I told Chloe a minute ago, "when men are scared, they forget to be mature"
Is it right? Or is it just another baseless conclusion that I come to, from the study of my piece of life.
Which, also is unfair again 'cause it's MY life and no one elses, and idk who reads this blog, really, but things just come out like verbal LAOSAI.
Maybe when the time comes, Melvin. When the time comes that I'm strong enough to let go of the present shit, let go of him, turn to God for everyth, then I'll tell you okay?
'Cuz right now I feel like it's me against me, and that I'll never ever have the strength to be smart again.
& tomorrow I'll return to being retarded Bridget jumping around making stupid comments and laughing for no reason in the MRT. 'Cuz that's how things are supposed to be. I'm a show for everyone to see.
A freak show.
Clare said we're all canvases. She's right. No one likes to see the same thing twice.
I'm prolly another 15yearold who gets depressed over small little childish boys, gossip girls and the lack of faith in God.
Enjoy the show, it's free.

'cuz bitches are like, "whaaaat?"

2008-10-09T23:28:00.000-07:00

I should never be agitated on days before my period.
Fucking hell, y'know what Ann?
You can keep telling the whole world how Igy broke Clare's heart,
you can tell my whole tagboard,
you can tell Igy that I changed boyfs like underwear. [fyi that makes 2 underwears this year]
you can be some stupid bitch who prolly goes around telling all your gossip clique in your sch about how some slut came along and stole your sister's boyf.
Just go get your this month's period, and keep telling the whole world.
Your group of friends may love to bitch about me.
Clare's friends can come to my blog and bitch about me too.
But my period is coming and I'm damn easily agitated.
Your world hates me, and so do my friends. I don't blame Mel for having screwed you on ur profile.
Whutever. I'm gg to start private sch this Tuesday so I'll prolly get over you.

#pics up on Friendster.

Almost Lover.

2008-10-08T22:52:00.001-07:00

Hello hello again, there's smth wrong with my card reader, and I can't seem to connect the pictures up so maybe during the weekend I guess?
Sometimes it's like, I'm so annoyed la.
Forget it, I shan't be bothered. I just miss Ree 'cause we haven't hung out in ages and even when we talked after I got out of girls home, and she's been so busy with her photography and all her friends and stuff and we hardly hang out at all.
She's the most talented bitch I've ever met and I love her so much. I had a crush on her once HAHAHHAHAHA. We have fun, screw up, makeout, take pictures.
Anyway had a turtle race with Peishi's little tortoises today. She got 'em from ShiYun.
And printed lots of pictures today 'cause me and Winnie took a whole lot. Will upload them this sat after my run in the morning.
I'm like, gg sentosa later with some hostelmates for thriathlon training. Balls. I have this sick hard feeling they're gonna make us swim in the see later. And then run around the whole place. Oh no.
Sat's for Zach 'cuz sickening hell Igy has tuition at 5PM. Then on Weds he told me we could go wildildwet 'cuz he could push his damn tuition further. Then like, wtf I already promised Zach but I also really want to go www 'cause I haven't been there years.
I promised Zach, and he's fun company. So I'll meet Zach in the evening.

call me a bitch and i won't show you one.

2008-10-06T23:54:00.000-07:00

I'm the most unselfish person i know,
I’ve got a huge heart full of people I love,
people who are fake to me & people i
barely know. I care about everyone, but
sometimes i learned is, y o u c a n t .
you cant put eveyone above yourself,
you enter the world alone - you leave alone.
I agree with the dictionary.
girls before guys,
studying before partying,
& friends before love.
I smile because when I cry, it doesn`t help. When I cry all it does is make people ask me if I’m okay. I would love nothing more than to punch these people in the face. I’m sitting here, crying, but yes, I’m perfectly happy. I mean, come on.
Give me a break. Obviously I`m not fine.

World, you know smth?
With a smile that goes along with her
“fuck you” attitude, she’ll be breaking hearts
and burning up in no time.

Sometimes I just wish you'd die.

2008-10-06T22:24:00.000-07:00

People are coming to my tagboard to trashtalk me and talk about me like they've known me for a million years, known me welll enough to judge me and tell me that I deserve what I deserve.
How do I put it, if I were to say that I no longer am feeling any sadness or depression they'd just say that I'm such a bitch. If I throw myself a pity-party they'll be happy to say that I deserve what I'm getting now.
But then again, wasn't life all about not giving two flying fucks what other people think?
One year ago, when people trashed me, I'd be first to scream fuck and flood my own tagboard/blog with my retorts and whatsoever I'mABitchGetOutOfMyFace wanabe attitude. Right now I feel like I don't even want to bother about anyth.
It might piss you off now, to know that I'm perfectly happy with my life now. I don't feel like I should die, neither do I feel like I'm th best damn bitch around. I've got awesome roomates like Karen + Winnie to entertain me every night while we bitch about boys. I'm gonna hang out with Zach this sat evening 'cause we haven't hung out in years and he's so awesome to hang out with 'cause he can be damn funny 24/7.
What's up with hatred. And possibly, inferior complexes too. People all over the world, who take advantage of the whole Free Speech thing and just feel like they've gotta say their piece of mind 'cause it prolly makes them feel better that they, what? Scolded another girl who doesn't deserve to live. What, did they make the world a better place?
Suck my balls, if I had any.
I don't know what's gg on in Clare's and Igy's mind but right now I just feel like I shouldn't even care at all 'cause it's not my business. Whatever that comes out of this, is just gonna be another phase of this shit that I'm gonna go through.
I'm sorry Tim, but things just didn't work out.
I'm sorry Clare, but I just am tired of apologising all the time and defending myself. Whatever shit that happens now, I guess we're just gonna talk about it.
Igy, maybe you should just go and die like you said you needed to. You're driving me insane with whatever you've been doing. I'm just so fucken insecure ya get that in your damned head fucka.
No fullstops at all. It's just a question mark.
It's always my insecurity, and I know I am so much like her.
I don't want to know that anymore.

HAHAHA this is so random, but two days ago I told Winnie this, after reading what the person said on my blog.
"YA FUCKING SHIT I'M A GODAMNED MOTHERFUCKING WHORE+SLUT+AHLIAN SO WHAT YOU GONNA DO ABOUT IT? SWELLHEAD. I'M EGOISTIC AND SHALLOW AND SUPERFICIAL, I ONLY WANT SOMEONE AS HOT AS EXBOYF ALEX AND I'M A QUEEN WITH AN ATTITUDE, YOU WANNA MAKE SOMETHING OUT OF IT?"

Haha but no of course, I'm not. I'm daddy's girl who goes for dinner most of the Sat+Sun with him, mum, ahpa+mumgrace+igy. And I'm always home before 9 whenever they don't pick me up. I'm the girl who wakes up at night to cry and loves seeing Winnie's face in the morning when she wakes me up. I'm the girl who doesn't smoke or take drugs and I don't even know what an underage party looks like. I'm the girl who doesn't even spend money on clothes 'cause most of them are passed down from my superstylish hip mamma and I like m.a.c eyeliner. I'm so innocent I don't fuck at all, and my exboyf thought I was damn childish.
So?

I never knew hell could get so cold.

2008-10-03T23:28:00.000-07:00

Lying here in your bed.
The one that you liked to do it in.
Pieces of long brown hair
Are all over it and still in my brain
I can't explain
What it's like not knowing if I'll ever cross your mind.

Tomorrow's the dreaded 10km run for hope. I think it's PMS or smth, 'cause I exploded into tears after finding out that I had to run. I thought I was excused. I'm just so darn scared 'cause running is NOT my thing, otherwise else I'd be in track&field and not windsurfing. But somehow they've convinced me that I HAVE to run.
Anyhow, went for Mernel's cremation/creamation[idk how to spell it] ytd. I guess, idk what to say actually. I've never lost a close friend before so I really don't know how to explain it.
Anyhow I totally lost my way in town today like some bloody loser, forgetting which exit it was that I had to get out from. But anyhow here I am, safe at Iggy's place. And I choked on some stupid sour candy and I can't breathe.
I totally hate when I have the laptop right in front of me yet I have wordblock in my brain.

You should hate your indecisiveness more than your tendency to make wrong choices.

2008-09-30T22:51:00.001-07:00

Coldplay- The Scientist.
I just feel so damn sad now.
I don't understand how something can be so difficult. I'm just so damn frustrated with the world now. Fucking hell, I'm so angry I could cry. I don't blame him but how can God let him be such a *(&%^$*&%? Yah so it's partically my fault but no one looks into what he's done. It's always my fault. I explain everyth. People hear baout it, then come ot my blog for the hope of finding some evidence, then spread the word.
Excuse me but I'd be much ashamed of myself if I did that.
Okay then again what the fuck am I writing about. I have no shame. I screwed up a relationship and then here I am crying over it 'cause I claim no one ever understands what I feel.
Why'd I gotta be so weak?
I'm so frustrated at being infuriatingly confused. I hate knowing that I"m so stupid and selfish. Her friends probably bitch about me and his friends laugh at me. At the end I'll just be remembered as the girl who screwed everythin and wound up crying 'cause she thinks she's so miserable.
There's so many other impt. things in the world to worry about yet here I am getting upset for a reason not good enough.
Sometimes I feel I just want a guy who means what he says. Not the kinda guys who go. I Love You Can I Put My Hand Under Your Shirt kinda guy. Or those that tell me they like me but they just don't want to do anyth.
It's like telling me I'm not good enough or something. Okay.
Fuck.

with nothing but your tshirt on

2008-09-27T10:41:00.000-07:00

Love is a serial killer and we're all potential victims of it. Every guy we love will def hurt us, so go for the guy that makes the pain worthwhile.
Clare if you read this, I'm terribly sorry. Even though saying sorry doesn't help at all.
Now I feel like I can't blog without worrying about what others would judge about me once they read about my blog. Some say I was the bitch who came in between a perfect relationship. Some people just tell me to forget him 'cause he's a bastard. Some just look and gossip. It's so hard sometimes 'cause people really don't take a second look at what's inside of this whole situation. Gotta admit I'm upset but then again I really, really had it coming.
I don't really know what to say, just like how Clare told me that she really had no words to describe the situation. I finally get what she means.
But it really sucks huh.
Then again.
idk. Sometimes I know it's unfair for Clare 'cause I stepped in but sometimes I think we should really really think about what the other party goes through.
Okay throw your stones and socks at me 'cause ya'll prolly think I'm some selfish bitch who wants pity from the whole world even though I screwed things up.
BUT REALLY.
idk, idk, idk. I guess things were made to roll in a way that no one understands but me.
Guess that really sucks.
What gives everyone the impression that if Clare cries, I'm laughing away in a corner?
And when I mention that I do cry, people just throw socks at my face.

The ways you made me feel alive,
The ways I loved you.
For all the things that never died,
To make it through the night, Love will find you.

I'm sorry I ever loved you. I'm really really really sorry.

dying is our latest fashion

2008-09-26T08:14:00.000-07:00

No windsurfing for one whole month. Cue insane depression.
I got home leave tonight so cheers. and yeah today finally did the dreaded thing. Broke up with tim today. I'm terribly sorry I had to wait so long, but the wait was worth it cause now I totally know what I want. Sorry I wasted your time but I've realised that I totally can't let go of the past so I just gotta focus on my priorities.
Which till now I don't know is what, but I suppose it's windsurfing and photography.
And meeting new friends, though that's not ontop of the list.
Moved to the scholar's room last week and it's rawkin awesome. Everynight's a paaarty and we can't sleep 'cause Winnie keeps telling me and Karen about her sex stories and me and Karen are like, woah woooh oooouh aiyooooooooooooooh.

blue eyeshadow is ugly, cheese.

2008-09-16T22:43:00.000-07:00

People, make peace not war. I would like to say make love but nevermind. Girls will be girls, all the drama. If I were to immediately screw Linnette over this small issue it would make me a damn hypocrite 'cause I suppose that's the thing about us girls that we won't be afraid to just stand up and be a bitch 'cause sometimes if we aren't one, we won't get things our way.
Maybe it's cause of their ego that wouldn't let them just back down and watch the peace evolve. idk. Then again I would get pretty pissed too if I'm actually quarelling with someone online and I definitely wouldn't shut my mouth. Don't worry people, I love you Linette and Tim, so everybody don't fight.
Maybe 'cause I've just been too exhausted with training that's why I'm not throwing a bitchfit over this. Kinda sucks but in a game like this the girls who can stand up for themselves always win. And her emo boyfriend wins too, prolly.
Though I was pretty surprised coming online and seeing so much on my tagboard. And on his tagboard too.
Tough shit ytd, windsurfing till my hands were sore and I feel like they could rip into two. I mean four since I got two hands. Totally burnt and retired. Been spending my free days writing more stuff in my 1001 notebooks for everybody. Still am counting down to the end of the week, 'cause sometimes being in a hostel really sucks but at the same time it's pretty beneficial to me. I work the shit out of myself during the weekdays and this Sat my dad needs me, so it's pretty sucky since I don't have much time for myself except church this sun.
And I miss seeing Iggy around 'cause we haven't been hanging out ever since we both decided we had someone else to think about in life. Things suck 'cause it's gotta be this way but somehow we should have known.
I miss you, love you, cliche cliche cliche many many many. Gonna see you soon.

For you I bleed myself dry.

2008-09-13T10:35:00.000-07:00

All is good. I'm just beefing around with my nicest hoody [FYI it's only spelt hoodiES when it's in plural form] and just fbts with my newly bald dog Marshy next to me while I'm eating cheese.
Someone worth my time loves me. I'm so thankful for that. I actually smile while alone now. It's been long. Today we did some poetry right smack in the middle of KFC and I gotta say I don't regret it at all, opening up to him 'cause it's the smartest thing I've done ever since I decided to put my hair extensions on. Which wasn't very long ago, but anyhow. It's 146AM now and I'm feeling more awake than ever. It just totally hit me that it's so amazing how someone out there could have loved you so much that you just gotta look deeper and harder.
Or maybe not 'cause it'll just come to you if it's true.
I got him asking me why I'm always so broken when I blog about things. Truth is, I guess no one ever knows the truth except me, and that's how things are supposed to roll, because if everyone totally understood how one another felt, life wouldn't be the same anymore. Psychologists would be out of business and counsellors too. I mean yeah, I think counsellors are a great deal of a help but they'll never understand how we feel truly, deeply inside.
Sometimes I think I spend too much time thinking about the redundant, like the whole, "Is she better than me, that's why he went for her?" or the whole "Am I good enough for any guy at all". And the whole typical teenage self-conciousness that every teenager goes through. Maybe that's the beauty of life. Maybe I'm supposed to go through all this to awake one day knowing that I've finally achieved self-actualisation that ahPa always talks about during morning devotions at hostel. Life is pretty interesting itself, I guess sometimes we just get so caught up with things that we don't stop to think back and see the simple beauty of walking into my parents' room and watching them both sleep comfortably side by side, knowing they'll see each other again tomorrow morning and still love each other.
Love is a splendid thing, but until time comes to prove it, we'll never know. But I'm really thankful for the time we got to spend together even though things turned out a little ugly at first. It's gonna be really hard for me to even trust love ever again but I guess we'll just take it slow. Thanks for everything you did though. It's really totally not your fault that I'm not opening up completely. Well I'm not saying it's any other guys' fault but my own for having broke my own fragile heart in the first place.
Really. I've been doing lots of drawing and writing this past few days and it's been nice just being alone. Joyce thinks I'm mad, writing away non-stop 24/7 with my journal but I guess I'm just so Mia Thermopolis sometimes. For damn's sake, I write while in the train because I'm nervous about wearing a white dress out in public.
Well anyhow, I had 30 sticks of beef satay tonight and I'm proud to say satay is my new favourite food. Bring on the hundreds of sticks. Any competition I'll join.
Well goodnight world, 'cause I've got church tomorrow and I promised ex-boyf Dom to meet up for mass 'cause we haven't caught up with each other since the breakup and I like to catch up-make up with people. Then probably spend the day texting, and also lunch with the churchies. Haven't seen much of Kenneth, now that he's got nana and I've got hostel and windsurfing. The last time we really hung out like old friends was during my damned birthday. But it's okay I guess. Everyone gets distracted because of love. And I really have to stop blogging now 'cause I've got even more shit to do online, that I haven't done.
Think about it, people. If you stop to look into your life you'll def. find something worth smiling about all of a sudden in a train or smth, like some retard smiling to yourself. Then feel good about it and come home and blog about how you're so happy that you smiled to yourself.

Draw pictures of love all day long.

2008-09-10T22:01:00.000-07:00

Hey, happy birthday and even though we got to celebrate it for like, two days in a row I'm glad we went out. Hope you had a great day with her, and I'm sorry I couldn't come down to NSC on your birthday. That crushed me but I guess we're gonna see each other soon like we always end up meeting without having planned way before hand.

Windsurfed ytd, yoga class ytd, came back home and did graphics all night long. For some reason I just couldn't sleep at all. Drew stamps until twelve plus.
I feel kind awkward typing now cause some menstrual woman next to me is staring at my screen. Menstrual women should never be agitated, annoyed or pissed off because once they are the whole world collapses.
Yesterday during practice I chipped my toe nail. Of all the things to chip, it was the last toe nail. And the whole nail kinda went into my nailbed and ripped my flesh out. Okay so idk if I'm describing the whole process the correct way but in any case, there's like flesh coming out. Sheeshes, all because I wanted to avoid breaking ShiLi's nose again during practice.
Today morning, woke up and drew somemore. Mel made her gift for Wayne, while I just kept drawing and designing graphics and cutting and pasting with scissors and glue. Haven't had much to do lately, just lots of thinking and looking at my poor toenail.
& I guess I should totally stop being so insecure about the whole guy thing. I mean like, really, he doesn't belong to me, and he can totally flirt with the world for all he wants. Screw whether all he talks to online are girls, or whether he cares. Because I really have to take things easy. I gotta quit bothering about little details 'cause at the end if he isn't worth it, he's the fucken godamned loser. Not that I'm saying anyone is, but case in point: Alex. Okay ironic but anyway.
Anyway taking part in some photography competition coming up soon in Sep, dont' know if I got the time but anyhow.
Anyhow isn't it a small world.
Linette is dating my exboyf Nigel,
Linette doesn't like me,
Tim just added Linette recently, [he prolly knows every girl alive online]
Clare is Ignatius's girlf,
and Clare is my dad's friend's daughter.
Clare knows Debra too.
Zach is my good friend,
and Zach is also Clare's friend.
Zach knows Nigel,
but Nigel doesn't know Zach.
Zach ALSO knows Ignatius,
but likewise Ig doesn't.
Melvin added me on Friendster,
and he knows about the whole ClareIgnatiusBridget thing.

Can't wait for Sat, been jumping around, writing alot. Got alot of other things to think about but I've been thinking of you. Writing more songs, thinking more things, and telling everyone 'cause that's how I roll. Do I really mean something to you, like really? God knows. It doesn't help having the impression for the past one year that you're the kinda guy who has some way with words with girls online all over the universe. Anyhow I guess I'll just play along and wait till smth good comes out of this. I'm so stupid sometimes. When boyfs don't care, I act like it's the end of the world. When they're flowing with words that they think I need to hear, I can't even believe it.
Or maybe because I've really turned numb, after th recent shit that happened. Like I totally don't ever want to open up to anyone ever again anymore and I know I sound so depressed but really I'm okay. This happens shitload times but now this just takes the cake. Or the cheddar chips I had this morn with Jesslyn, Joyce, mel and Jess.
Whatever balls. I'm going to rip my whole toenail out later at the doc's. Dad's here alr but he says we can't even leave yet cause the doc's not for business yet.
Shits. Half the time I've been thinking of you, and the other half just tells me to stop being stupid and to stop thinking of you cause I dont' deserve to at all.

kiss for lips.

2008-09-08T00:24:00.000-07:00

Sing me your song ,
write me a letter.
I'll bring you the joy,
so you'll feel better.

Forget past shits,
not worth your thoughts.
Throw away the bad days,
all the times you fought.

I'm here to see you through,
whatever the cause.
I'll keep on going with you,
there'll be no pause.

We'll look at the stars ,
that'll be smiling back.
I'll have my arm over you,
nothing's what we'll lack.

We'll sleep by the stairs,
of the merlion's roar.
We'll smell the salty sea,
just beneath the floor.

And just as the sun wakes up,
i'll whisper in your ear.
that i love you so deeply,
i'll blow away your fear.

T wrote me this on my Friendster profile so it's kinda redundant for me to put it here but damnit just let me be happy okay. It totally made me smile when I read it, thanks Timmo <3
Funny how things have turned out. I mean yeah I'm totally over Alex Garcia but at times I feel so sad knowing what we could have been, and I do miss him around but he's totally cutting me out of his life so okaybyebyetoyouboy. We were so in love but things just change overtime. Well I totally do miss him but it doesn't mean that I still love or am not over him. I'm moving on to better things in life.
Sometimes people just tell me things that were intended to make me smile, but all I think about is, how many girls have you told them this? Am I the bitch that gets the sloppy seconds, or do you really mean it? Maybe you'll just go back to your 9-5 life and blog about some other girl, or maybe I do mean a thing to you. Nobody knows. You prolly have another life where things are normal, and I'm just a distraction. Funny how I've been just distractions to so many people, Alex, Iggy and maybe You. Maybe for once I could be the girl you tell your friends about, and not the girl at the back of your head with a label 'timepasser'. Mum taught me better, but I'm being so wrong. I'm letting myself fall again with no one to catch me. I really should know better and be more mature in my actions about love. Yes there's the thrill of the chase and getting to know each other but how long is this gonna continue? Either way I'm going to end up in a short-term relationship, which I highly detest 'cause I want to love all out, not for some fling or anyth. It sucks 'cause I'm looking forward to loving someone worth my time but half the time I'm getting idiots who throw my heart back at my face.
Good lord, I need to cheer up.

close our eyes, we're pathetic.

2008-09-06T08:29:00.000-07:00

Spent the day with many people. Winnie, Meimei, DXY, Iggy and Zach. Some crazy photos today.
I need to keep chilling with my friends day to day, to keep myself from remembering all the misery I'm going through.
Suddenly Zach told me today that he's wondering when just the two of us could hang out. Then I realised I've been always accidentally pulling friends along. So I guess we're gonna plan someth insane this Sunday. Zach and I do/say/think/text the craziest things and we get along great so I guess it shouldn't be an issue.
Ain't realy in a writing mood today. I got a notebook from Borders today though. Daddy gave me $50 in Borders value; thanks daddy luv ya. Msn with Melvin now, some dude I recently met online, who knows Clare, so wonderful, he's prolly another person who thinks I stole Iggy from Clare like the whole world thinks so.
Church with mummy tmrw; time for some family commitment instead of going out all day. Parents' room ain't closed, and it feels nice to hear my parents talking to each other and laughing and joking. I haven't heard that in a long while, after being in hostel for so long. They're not fighting, they're loving each other. I feel so at ease, so maybe tonight I'll sleep in peace and remind myself that there are so many other greater things in life than just wallowing in self-pity and bitching about other girls to make myself feel better.
Goodnight world, tonight I won't cry to sleep.

three broken hearts and two mended.

2008-09-02T05:17:00.000-07:00

Show's over, everybody goes home. I've been writing so many songs after the shock, it's like 8 in 2 days.
Melinda's next to me and she's suffering from extreme Boyfriend Withdrawal Syndome, she's going nuts, talking about her boyfriend non-stop and going crazy cause he's not replying her text.
Beautiful disaster, he's back with her. After all the things I've been promised and told. I just wonder if I've actually meant a thing to you. I don't want to be with you or anyth. This isn't about being with anybody. In fact you and Clare deserve each other.
I just don't know what went on. Three broken hearts and two mended, I'm sorry I came in to play my part. I hate you but I'll miss you terribly.
I just want to see you, just as a friend. I guess I was just in love with our friendship, which was totally stupid of me. 'Cause now everyone thinks I'm some boyf stealer. Labels all over again.
But I know being friends with you will just make me stupid again. Because I'm crying every damn night, crying when Clare texted me on Sunday and crying when you tried to lie to me.
Everyone tells me that I deserve better. I know this too well. I knew it before.
But this is the price I'm gonna pay. For playing my part. But it hurts too much. I didn't know it would.
Oh sheesh.
Windsurfing tmrw, I guess I'll just try to get over this. Like how I try to get over everyth. Balls to love.

I hope you remember this song:

I said I’d never forget your face
vaulted away inside my head
and memories never seem to fade
you were the best part of my life…my last regret
Now I’ve walked this line a thousand times before
it hurts too much to bear
For you,
I’d tear out my own heart
and write our names together
Your love is the barrel of a gun
so tell me am I on the right end
I could be nothing but a memory to you
Don’t let this memory fade away
And in the end we’re turning on and off again
there’s a look in your eye
And it’s screaming goodbye
I’d hate to watch you cry

goodnight, i wish we were still friends.

2008-08-30T08:09:00.001-07:00

okay so I totally don't geddit, what's up with my parents. when they argue I feel like some dumb cock there in the middle. She even wanted to go back to our Yishun place but in the end after some talking from me she decided to stay here at our CG place.
I've been putting to good use what ahpa has been telling us during our daily devotions.
My parents fought, I talked to mutha' and now I'm online, texting Zach and msn-ing chew. Most prolly gonna meet Zach and Muthu for lunch tmrw; haven't seen them in a million years. Zach is still so damn skinny and I'm pretty embarrassed to show up and show him all the fats I've accumulated over five months. I can't believe it's really been five months. I'm excited, wheewhoowheet.
My muscles hurt. My talented parents sent me for a massage at some spa rubbish place at vivo and the guy pressed my back until I feel like an omelette now. When he reached my arms he was like, "Woah, next time not your husband carry you, is you carry your husband" which is funny because if he sees Mel's and Jesslyn's muscles he'll probably think they can carry one husband with one hand and have two husbands then.
After that I was THISCLOSE to getting a holga camera. The whole lomography thing really fascinates me and I know I sound like some inexperienced loser having said all that but I'd really love to try the holga one day. Anyway point in case I didn't get the holga, but I'm still pretty happy 'cause there's church tmrw and Kenneth's finally coming to class. That loser, after having found a girlf prolly forgot he was one of my most-trusted guy friends whoom I'm not embarrassed to introduce to my parents as my close friend. But nana's pretty cute anyway so no one can blame him. I'd want to spend everything with a girl like nana. That is, if I were a boy.
I feel like sleeping now but for some reason I think sleep is a waste of time. Mel joined the club too. It's like, all my weird ideas come at night. I write the most at night, all my songs are written at night, my drawings are done at night, shoot ideas also at night. Speaking of which still can't find my camera but anyway, yah. And Zach threatened to call in the middle of the night tonight so maybe I'll off my phone or smth.
Woooo someone's talking to me on MSN.
._. it's Chew the egoistical balloon with too much helium.
He really needs to stop saying 'yupper'. I can't stop laughing each time he does that.
My tears run down like razorblades!!! says:
yupper im back
♥ette/cheap novelty says:
HAHHAHAHAHHAAHHAHAH.
♥ette/cheap novelty says:
SAY IT AGAIN.
My tears run down like razorblades!!! says:
YUPPER!

Okay goodnight world. I'm going to find something else to do. My day has gone pretty bad.

life's a bitch so eat a peach. [if you're pissed]

2008-08-30T02:05:00.000-07:00

Clare, I know you read my blog, and I know I've already texted you, but anyhow, I guess I'm really fucken sorry and I know words are not good enough. The self-blame game ain't gonna work here so I guess, from now three of us are returning to our lives. I don' t know how to fix you and him up and I would love to try but I know I'll just screw up even more. So goodluck and goodbye, we end here. Hope things work out yah. Okay so it's kinda redundant for me to say all this but I guess I'm just gonna do everything I can. Hope everyth dies down from now.
-Ette.

Man. I'm feeling so damn low now. I don't know. Not depressed or heartbroken. Just low. Like a sadness I haven't felt fo' damn long.
I guess I'll just go out with my parents tonight. Maybe some impulse purchases and texting some new friends.
Talking to Zach now. He's pretty funny and I'm like talking to his younger brother who sounds like a girl and she, I mean, he is so cute, thinking I'm kelly. And he's damn cute cause when he saw me typing to Zach that he sounded like a girl, he went all postal, like, "GIVE ME THAT PHONE GIVE ME THAT PHONE!" and started screeching and he's so cute.
He's attempting to type online to me and yeah Zach thanks for cheering me
up today. You're so insane when I need someone to cheer me up.

let's talk about love shall we?

2008-08-29T23:39:00.000-07:00

I DIDN'T STEAL YOUR BOYFRIEND.
I AM NOT EVEN GOING TO EVER BE WITH HIM.
THAT I PROMISE YOU.

Die computer die, you're taking donkeys' asses' ages to load. Feels great to be home now again though. Everyday should be homeleave day. That would only happen on April 18 2010 so hahahahahaha long waaaaaaaaaaay to go. Today is stay home and sit next to my dog day though.

Brighter notes to take note of:
1. New Pearl starter drumset, thanks to Pastor Andrew AKA ahpa. Nice shitgreen, or military green if you call it.
2. Spending hours outside at sea ytd because there was no wind halfway during windsurfing and I just ended up being stupid with Iggy.
3. Eating some oreo shit cookies and panadol out at sea.
4. Shitalking with Mel, Van and Jesslyn in Mel's room. Jesslyn is a damn sexpert or something teling us everything. As usual, Mel had plenty to share and Van just kept quiet haha.
5. Being at home now, talking to Zach cause I haven't talked to him for donkey years since I went into girlshome.

Couldn't sleep last night, as usual. Wrote something again, as usual. Cried to sleep, as usual. Holy cow I am so predictable.

Another cold night,
I can't sleep, I need a reason.
For me to believe that,
I should respect your decision
But I"ll never try,
To ever let you see me cry
You don't need my tears
To know how much you're killing me.

Put aside uneccessary words
Forget all the actions that hurt
Why'd you tell me everyth I needed to hear
but only to throw it away
Erase the reasons for our smiles
Burn the letters you thought were worthwhile
You'd never really thought I'd actually
mean a thing to you at all.

I cannot fight it
I'm writing and my hands are shaking
Do you believe me,
can you see through me without a meaning
I'd hate to cry,
If only you'd let me die,
But I don't need to do so,
You're never gonna care anyway.

Father banging on the drums, def. sounds weird 'cause he's out of touch. Suddenly had a random call from Zachary and his voice changed. So we started about how we sound like cows and I assure him I have better shit with the drums than my father. Today I got lots of random calls and texts. The moment I on-ed my phone Johnathan texted me. Then halfway through texting LBT Iggy called. Then now Zach and his emotional capsule rubbish that's making me laugh.
I'm overwhelmed. I'm a very boring person who hides in a shell. Today everyone's looking for me.
Yah right.
So much for wanting to do some shots today. I don't even remember where I put my camera.

I'm so ugly when I cry.

2008-08-27T20:00:00.000-07:00

So yah recently I went home last Sat and I brought my semipro back. For some cock reason I decided not the bring it back here and now I regret it like fuck because I really want to do some shots.
Bloody fudge.
All I've been doing for so long has been just going for windsurfing, whining over spilt milk and getting all depressed. And today I got excruciating cramps and lata I got to instruct another windsurfing course when all I really know is to just shout cock bear away sheet in don'tknowwhat. At least I get 10 bucks.
I'm getting sick of waking up in the morning and just sitting there waiting for things to happen my way. I've been surfing Deviantart for inspiration but nothing hits me. Everyth is becoming so cliched. Pretty little girls taking 1001 pictures of themselves, and for the 1002 time it doesn't count as photography. Well I guess give them some credit for being able to edit their true ugliness away. I wish I knew how to edit mine away too because I can't use photoshop for nuts.
I need to give myself a slap in the face. I'm letting boy issues affect me so much when there's so much other things out there. I finished making Iggy's birthday envelope today and I don't know what else I can do. Besides drawing all day and writing non-stop. I really can't stop writing at all. Hostel girlfs ask me how to express themselves to their boyfriends and it's so huh what the lampa because, well, doesn't it come naturally to you?
Oh well idk, but this Saturday I presume I'm staying in. Maybe some indoor shots? Because I know if I go out I'll only be spending it with either MelindaIgnatiusRozannVanessaJoscelin. I don't have a life.
On a brighter note Wayne is giving me tix for the Boys Like Girls @ Nike Run so I hope it ain't too late 'cause of fucked probation curfew at ninePM, bloody fudgedog.
Sometimes I wonder why don't I ever get tired of whining and getting upset over guy[s]. So yeah it's true everything is screwing up right in front of my face and I am trying hard to concentrate on windsurfing. But it just goes right in my eyes that I have to shiok shiok poke poke probe into my own problems and I end up making myself feel ten times even more miserable. Isn't that silly silly me. Well I do hope this problem clears up and that he can finally decide instead of putting me and her through shit.
I'm very sure I will not crash and burn if he chooses her in the end.
My rear end. I'll just go into insane depression.
HAHA over my dead body laaaaaa. Give me a few weeks or months and maybe I'll be okay again.
Well well. Things will get better in time, I guess. Guess guess guess again. I need to wake myself up and slap my ass 'cause I'm being very distracted about things and I think people can tell already. I cry myself stupid at night until I get a migrane and then whine about not being able to sleep when I asked for it. Stupid.

Things I have to do:
1. Photoshoot-ANY!
2. Homework. Haha as if I have any, but I have to find some.
3. Get over him. Until he makes a decision or something. Instead of falling harder for him.
3. Concentrate on windsurfing.
4. Earn money. Buy more stuff from Borders 'cause that's all I know to do.

Goodbye world, I have having my period.

Goodbye to that, complacent fucker.

2008-08-26T21:41:00.000-07:00

Clare, pretty girl, I'm sorry I ever stepped, stomped and trampled all over your love scene.
Ignatius is all yours to keep.
Your tears will flow, mine will remain behind closed doors. He wants you, he wants me, he'll get you.
Don't you just love seeing couples get together all over again? All loved up and everything.
I thought I would always be the girl who holds on to everything and never throws it all away.
You know something?
The thread has snapped.
One end to the other.
Screw you. I can't even begin to say how dissappointed I am in you. But of course, I'm dissappointed in myself first.

Brighter words:
Going to NSC now for training yeah baybeeehhhhh. Hopefully Iggy's not there. I feel like I can just drown myself if he turns up, which I don't think he will.
Mel's going too.
Chew is going to be there.
Van has school
And ohmyfuckinggawdness I'm so depressed.

The rain is just washing you out of my hair.

2008-08-24T23:06:00.000-07:00

Forget The Times You Walked By,
Forget The Times You've Made Me Cry,
Forget The Time You Held Me,
Forget The Sweet Things If I Can,
I Can No Longer Pretend,
I Have To Remember Now That You're Just A Friend
I try so hard to make it work but I'm too much of a fool to understand the meaning of love.
The most classic acceptable reason would be that I don't want to leave you, it's just that I HAVE to leave you.
It's not easy. For me, or for you.
It's even harder when you ask me not to leave you.
Ann Marie told me today to remind Mel to stop bothering Clare. I didn't even know, wow. I'm hearing the same thing from Ann that you told me before. They really like each other.
Like since when did I not know that?
I don't need you to choose, boy. Your choice is right there. You can tell me that I don't have to leave. Well I have to.
Beautiful last goodbye hug. It didn't end on a high note, like it always will. You can write me the most amazing blog ever but it doesn't matter. You can tell me the things all my ex-boyfs have never told me but it also doesn't matter.
Because I am the third party, the unwanted uninvited gatecrasher of this whole novel romance.
I wish I could look at your blog and smile at it again. But no, it isn't for me. It's for you to look at it and wonder if you really mean every word you've ever said to me.
I never compelled you to say it all.
Y'know, after all of this time you just give me the impression that you think that you should care 'cause I'm the poor innocent heartbroken bitch who likes you and you're attached.
Or maybe you'd just want the best of both worlds?
I don't know if I hurt you.
But you just hurt me worse.
Because I've told you before that I don't want to ever see you again 'cause it just kills me to look at you, knowing that I'll miss you after I go away.
& you told me not to leave. Why do you cry for me when all you can do is just tell me not to leave you.
Five minutes later you'll return to your real life.
I am your make-believe, she is your reality. Life is meant to be f'real.
Don't tell me that I don't know if you really love her, or whether I've ever seen you tell her that you love her or show it.
You told me long ago before. Thats why i told u i like you but i cant love you cause i love THAT girl.
Well thank you for all that. Does she even know all this is happening?
The awesome blog that was made to melt my heart? The tears that were cried for no good reason?
I don't think so.
Why won't that last thread tying you to my heart break? Maybe it represents the hope that's tying my heart together. I guess so. I've been doing alot of guessing since meeting you.
I wish I had never met you,you were the most beautiful lie I had ever seen. I wish that I could turn back the clock,to make your memories disappearand be who I once was. I'm not capable of coping with this pain you gave.
You weren't supposed to mean that much to me, and I wasn't supposed to fall in love with you. You can ask me a million times why I am so depressed, and I can explain it in a million ways. But you will never understand the main reason.
My mother told me, when I was young, that the worst thing you could do is to spoil someone's relationship with each other. Because in the end, everyone sees you as the bitch who screwed perfection, and no one will ever believe your story.
Now I know what she means. For the first time in my life, I understand it all.
It's okay y'know. We can go back to our lives, pretend like nothing happened at all.
I'll keep this a secret. I won't tell her.
I'll burn the letter you wrote me that I tucked away so hidden in my wallet. I'll throw away the photograph of us that you printed out for me. As much as saying goodbye breaks my heart, it has already been broken in the start.
I haven't told her anything before anyway. Why would I want to anyway?
I don't screw relationships. 'Cause they're not even mine to start with.
It's getting really hard to smile. I know God wouldn't give me anything I can't handle, I just wish he didn't trust me so much.
When you lay up at night, and all you can do is think about her, I'll be here waiting for you to think of me.
I hate to say goodbye and you know it, don't you? it makes me wanna cry. I cry at night, I cry for you.
Isn't it weird, how you hurt the one that loves you, and you love the one the hurt you?
But you wanna know something?
I loved you so much.

Speak with your tongue tied,
I know that you're tired
But I just want to know,
Where you want to go,
I may be sad, But I'm not weak,
This situation is bleak
And your puffy eyes never lie,
Your tears come from inside.
Until Sunday I'll be waiting for an answer
I guess that yesterday's not good enough for you,
You know that I hate this song,
You know that I hate this song
Because it was written for you
Drown your fears with me
I'm feeling real sorry
Your glossy eyes don't need
The sadness they have seen
But you're way too deep to swim
Back up again
But somehow I can't find
The moment you said goodbye
This is becoming a problem I'm hurting it's unfair
But somehow your words,
The way that I heard are haunting me,
You're under my skin
You're breaking in,
And our tasteless fights that filled our nights
Are starting to cave in,
You're under my skin
You're breaking in
And if Sunday's what it takes to prove
I have nothing else to lose.

On a brighter note,
today has been pretty awesome. We went to ITE Simei and I was dying to see Iggy. Like, hopefully run into him by accident even though I have been contemplating it for quite awhile. Came back and was really dead exhausted, now my eyes are going to pop in my face.
I met Chantal over the weekend and it was nice seeing her all over again, with awesome new hair. She is still as retarded as ever.
Went over to Elijah's studio @ Laselle too. It's pretty cool, with all the artists doing their thing. I really need to start sourcing for inspiration pretty soon. Haven't been taking photographs for really long, I need to stop saying that I'm interested in photography 'cause I haven't touched my lovely semipro for 2762037894 decades.
Aack, volleyball training at 4 today, windsurfing tomorrow, wednesday, thursday & friday. & many many more days. Running at Mat.Reservoir on Saturday early in the stinking morning. I pray that someone really fat jumps into the reservoir and a tsunami comes and washses out the entire reservoir.
Tell me how am I supposed to find time for any more photoshoots?
Find new layout time!

You are such an ugly love story.

2008-08-23T07:03:00.000-07:00

I am so sorry we had to end this way.
You know as much as it kills you it kills me even more. This is so stupidly tragic. Why did we even enter into each other's lives and made the decision of liking each other when things are going to end up so screwed.
I'm going to stain the pillow again tonight, prolly you too.
Heartache evident, words that never will be spoken.
There are so many things I want you to know. So much I could say but I can't and I never will because it's not supposed to be said.
When I do something so stupid like falling for someone attached, this will happen in the end. Especially when you happen to really truly love her.
She is so lucky.
I am such a mistake that everyone has to make before realising.
This horrendous mistake of knowing each other. Why did you come for Thurs training that damn day. Why did we have to meet.
And now we're never going to talk to each other again 'cause I can't stand the fucking pain of seeing you, knowing we could be so much more.
I'm big on loving people. Especially awesome people like you. Pity, pity, you're already taken.
I can't stand this. I fucking hate this, I fucking hate myself and I fucking hate this stupid love scene.
I want to just enjoy you as a friend but hell no I just HAD to fall for you.
You think it's easy shit for me to let go of this.
Hell you sucka; it's even harder for me.
I need you okay. It's so stupid. It's been such a short while but I've grown so dependent. Each time I get timeout all I want to do is see you or text you. Even if I knew that I would just be falling in deeper.
Too late. Everything just sucks. I'm crying here while you're doing don'tknowwhat,
prolly texting her all over again like nothing happened.
I'll stay here and take the shit.
I miss you terribly. I really really do. I thought I could just pretend that nothing happened.
Hell, hell no.
I want to text you right now and ask you to forget all the stupid thoughtless things I said and we could be back to being friends liking each other again.
But I can't and I won't.
I'll keep everything inside for myself. Only God will know how much you've meant to me.

Time was short, but you meant more than Alex to me
Doesn't that just suck, realising that?

Hey, you're Mr.Nice Guy, right? Nice guys get the good girls. I'm just a helluva screwed-up shit who can't think straight and falls for the people who never falls for her the right way.

Funny how last Sunday we were happy and I was so nervous being around you for the first time. This Sunday we are over. Even before we began. Wow, that's stupid.

Maybe you think I'm being over-fragile and over-emotional. Since it was just only one week that we've been through. Though the week was crazy, meeting you out of no where out of coincidence.
Ohmygosh I miss you so damn much but I'm not coming back.

Remembering Sunday. You said you didn't like this song. Well this works pretty much for you and me.

I'm not coming back, I've done something so terrible
I'm terrified to speak, but you'd expect that from me
I'm mixed up, I'll be blunt; now the rain is just
Washing you out of my hair
and out of my mind
Keeping an eye on the world,
So many thousands of feet off the ground, I'm over you now
I'm at home in the clouds, towering over your head

This is beautiful, disasterous in every way.

2008-08-21T06:34:00.000-07:00

Isn't it nice, how you like me when you're in love with her.
The way you told my girlf, it's like I came later, so it's my fault I didn't get a go at a childhood circus ride.
I guess there are so many things about her that I really have to live without, and I wouldn't want to be known as such a bitch who falls for someone attached.
But then again, I didn't even know you were attached.
I asked you at Starbucks. When I saw the picture. You told me no.
I swear to God, I'll never forget that you told me NO.
And then drop a bomb on me on Monday.
Christ Lord, who am I to complain anyway?
I always get the last. I know any rejection by heart anyway. Come once, come twice, come tonight again. And it's so sad because it's nobody's fault.
It was nice to have you skip your stupid class @ ITE to come windsurfing today. It was the best prac I've ever had-I promise; cross my heart and hope to hear a skipped beat. It felt fun being so stupid in front of you, screaming and howling like some mad cow.
I've never felt so comfortable around any guy before, without makeup and messed up seawatered hair.
When will I ever get that feeling again?
& it's so lomo 'cause I'm being so depressing when it's not gonna affect you at all. You're gonna go back to your lovely life with her, I'm going back to cry my eyes out tonight.
Why th hell do I get this kind of shit happening to me all the time? It's always convincing that life's finally going to go at the right pace and this shit happens.
I feel like the last loser in any story falling for you. Especially after you said that you liked me too.
Oh well, back to square one. I'll just like you from afar. It'll work. It has been working for me anyway.
She is such a lucky girl to have you.

Windsurfing prac today again. Me, Mel, Joyce, Jesslyn, Van and Igy. Pretty fun I guess. Falling in and out 'cause I failed to go downwind and embarrassed the shit out of myself infront of Igy. I was like some chicken trying to fly when chickens can't fly. I'm such a damn loser.
And now here I'm back, all tired and dead. I need a good sleep. Mum's birthday tomorrow. I'm gonna go out and pretend like I'm okay. Like I always do.
I'm the greatest pretender you'll ever know.

Let everything go, smile and show that you're stronger.

2008-08-19T20:18:00.001-07:00

Not exactly the brightest crayons in the box, are we?
Not like I'd expected any ending out of this anyway.
Back to my 9-5 job and the life I've always led,
prospering in my misery.
What's the use of being the perfect girl with the best opinions of true relationships when you're never make it the truth ever again?
Skip a heartbeat and in a breath things are over.
Good things are taken first, that's why I always end up with the lousy.
Right, Alex Garcia?
Right, Igy? Yes, especially you.
Right, Mel & Van?

Right, Ette.
Ette knows best.

Y'know I'm the girl who always bursts out laughing in the middle of a train alone, when I think of something funny?
I'll be Ette from now onwards,
not Bridget or Brigette. Save all your problems when you wonder which is the actual spelling.

It's Brigette btw.

Whispers, "hey, you're a nice guy. We should get together sometime, hang out and behave like no one's watching. Pretend there's no one behind our lives and just live it."

I said I’d never forget your face
vaulted away inside my head
and memories never seem to fade
you were the best part of my life…my last regret
Now I’ve walked this line a thousand times before
it hurts too much to bear
FOR YOU
I’d tear out my own heartand write our names together
Your love is the barrel of a gun
so tell me am I on the right end
I could be nothing but a memory to you
Don’t let this memory fade away
And in the end we’re turning on and off againt
here’s a look in your eye
And it’s screaming goodbye
I’d hate to watch you cry

A sad guiltless twisted lie.

2008-08-18T03:29:00.000-07:00

I went to NSC today, and all I can conclude is:
1. I didn't expect him to be attached.
2. I didn't expect the girl he's attached to, to be THAT girl.
3. I'm feeling kinda sad about it even though I have absolutely no reason to, &
4. I was right. If he was really that nice and stuff he would already have been taken. Too good to be true, yeah.

Yah k, so whatever.
I don't even know why I'm so bummed about it. I don't even deserve to get upset or anyth. Gotta set my priorities right. I'm going to windsurf, study and do my music.
Cue depression.

Life is painful and death is pleasant.

2008-08-16T08:34:00.000-07:00

Why don't they ever understand that I don't have intentions to make them angry or piss them off? They quarrell after that and Pastor Andrew will just come and remind me that it's because of me that they quarell.
They tell me they don't want to remind me about the past with Alex, and they just keep bringing it up. Telling me how my wound is still open and all that shit. As if I didn't already know.
And I totally don't even want to argue with them but they keep pushing me.
I'm not a daughter they're raising but a project they're managing.
People say they understand, and when they realise that they DON'T, they talk about how I'm so screwed up and over-dramatic. Like how I take so much pride in being upset all the time.
Right now they prolly think I'm meeting new guys on the internet, instead of writing my feelings away here.
Right now they're prolly arguing, plotting the next best statement to hurt me again.
Right now they're prolly so happy that they were right about Alex, how he's such a complacent fucker and that they could finally rub it in my face.
They don't want me to do this, or that, or go here or there, because of him. He was a mistake, now he's over, and it's still following me.
Sorry Alex, but if you thought leaving my life made everything better, you just screwed it up all over again. How can I not hate you?
So instead of getting drunk in alcohol, i finish lots of milk. Let the tears roll down, I'm used to this.
Just like how I'm always crying for Alex during midnight when everyone else is too cool to care. Just like how everyone thinks I'm a walking emotional nut who is just an attention-seeker. Because they'll never understand and that's how things are meant to be. Sometimes I wish they wouldn't give a shit about me like some other girls' parents do in the hostel.
And sometimes all I want is just for them to understand me. They keep telling me they understand. HECK with that.
That line is classic.
My stepdad just came out of the room.
Which guy you talking to, why are you so anxious to go online?
Before I can even explain myself he slams the fucking door at me.
Well y'know what? Fuck all the thought about wanting you parents to understand me truly. Fuck you two.
I'm done with this shit.
Fuck family and whatever I ever put in it.
Fuck you.

Alex G.[askarth] is the best.

2008-08-16T04:10:00.000-07:00

Que girlish screams.

Alex G.[askarth] is the best. Superhot looks + Amazing voice+Talent+Alex Gaskarth= speechless.
I HEART ALL TIME LOW.
Why can't he be the Alex I dated, not the other Alex Garcia who was a fucking worthless fucker. Not that I want to be the kind of ex-girlfriend who bitches about her exboyfriend, but, okay-HECK WITH IT, I HATE ALEX GARCIA.
I don't fucking care if he looks hot or anything, he can have all the girls in the world for all he wants. They'll feed his fragile ego and in turn he'll get 'em out of their clothes for temporary. Both sides win.
Maybe that's a little mean shallow and superficial but I'm really so upset with him. It's stupid how this can totally rob my control of emotions. Two nights ago I was dying and now I just wish his dick exploded from another girl's hand.
Rozann and Jos hanging over; Jos loves my dog, Rozann fiddles with my cammie. Hopefully R can stay over tonight.
Going to watch To Kill A Mockingbird @ Raffles Hotel tmrw, then to Bugis. Mel's joining 'cause idk how to shop at Bugis street. I have never shoppped for anyth at Bugis street before, swear to God. Need some good graphic Tees, not those stupid cheapo I'm-so-cool-I-wear-cheap-quotes-across-my-chest kinda shit so yeah idiots to the right.
Gotta go back to hostel by 9 tmrw so hopefully I have fun.
Spent the day texting Iggy and watching R make bubbles noises next to me. She's trying to distract me but I won't be. J just sits behind me and look into blank space.
Cheers to tmrw, I'm returning to church for mass.

Forgive and forget
It's just a memory
It wont get me very far this time
Is what I've done to you unforgivable?
Silence fills the room and
I get the message.
Emptiness is all that's left this time.
Is what I meant to you that forgettable?
I took it as a threat
You meant it as the doctrine
Of everything that was and would become.
I don't have to ask, you don't miss me at all.
You made it so obvious
When you slowly walked away
And then I prayed in vain.
I would've traded everything
even for just a taste.
I'll live with the loneliness.
but I'll never forget
I was never your best bet.

I'm in love with Remembering Sunday by ATL even though I've heard this song way before I even got into this hostel thing and this whole shit between me and Alex started screwing up. I still can't believe how some illusion that I had that was so perfect, could just crash like that.
I wish Jos would stop singing behind me. I hate Hilary Duff.

I don't know why you say goodbye, I say Hello.

2008-08-14T19:52:00.000-07:00

I swear when I say that sleep is overated, it really is. It's amazing having fun at night, with Melinda and HuiWen. Dead in the night, where we eat chips, listen to fucking good music and then gossip about boys.
Then Mel has to leave, back to sleep in her own room, Hui Wen retreats to her bed and I'm just left there thinking.
Let the downpour begin. I keep telling myself, I'm much stronger than this. I'm not supposed to be this weak. I'm supposed to be strong and not give a shit.
Heck, I wasn't even supposed to have fallen in love with him, let alone fall so hard for him.
I tell myself that I'm okay, I'm over it. Maybe if I keep reminding myself about it, I might start to believe it too. I should smile and let everyone know that I'm a whole lot stronger than ytd. I'm sure I am. Yeah, definitely maybe.
Fergie told you big girls don't cry. I have gotta grow up right now. Sick sad simple love story gone wrong. I'll wake up every morning knowing that I had a fucking bad night and then crawl out to wash my face and realise that life is still the same.
Had an afternoon nap ytd, had a wonderful dream. For real, I dreamt that everything was back to normal between me and him. And when I woke up I just broke down. As usual, what's new? I'm afraid of sleep now. I tried to stay up last night with Mel and HuiWen and then when they leave, it just screws up. Just like everyone leaves me. Chantal has been discharged, Alex has given up on me.
Goodnight fear, ten times over. When will I get enough. It sucks to know that he's never gonna remember all the things I'll never forget. He'll never know the impact he's made of coming into my life from the beginning till the end. It scares me to even picture him moving on with some new girl who's prolly gonna get my sloppy seconds and all the words he told me. She's prolly not gonna be some screwed up bitch like me who screws everyth up and is such a fucker.
I know I wasn't good enough for him. Heck, everyone knows that. Everyone told him he deserved better. I never am good enough for any guy. I'm not hot enough, I'm not pretty enough, I'm not talented enough.
I hate to realise all the above. I thought I was pretty fine alright and normal, and now I see the truth.
I meet guys now, but I don't even want to imagine anyth ever happening between me and them. Mamma's gonna be happy 'cause I'm afraid of relationships now. I don't want to feel rejection again. I'll never find a guy that I'm good enough for. I hate this. I hate this life that I screwed up.
I crave for that innocence before having gone so far with him. Where I thought he was perfect and finally different from all the fuckers I've dated. He thinks he wasn't the most fucked up boyf, but guess what? News flash, ex-boyf: You are the most fucked up one, because I loved you the most.
The light from my iPod stereos gets so fucking bright at night, and I cover it with some old Tshirt that I pull out from my bed. Then I remember him cover the same exact bright blue light from his computer screen that first night because it was really really bright.
Why do I remember all the things that make me cry in the beginning?
I guess it's a pretty rhetorical statement 'cause I'll never find the answer.
I rememeber everything about him, about us and everywhere we go. What we did, what we said, and what we loved. I should go and bomb his house since I can't even forget his address.

Perched on the cutting room table in a hallway of misery,
A darkened room where no one ventures to,
Why waste my life in the corridors of time
Where essence fades to nothing in the end I
Want to follow through, I want to stay with you,
If I want to, I can do, what I really need to do.

Each photograph is cut in half, and thrown across the room,
The walls are cracked and peeling, alcohol pools on the floor,
Why witness my destruction in a way that renders you speechless,
When your horror suppresses me and makes me feel so empty inside I
Will be no trouble to you, if I had a way to end it, I would trouble you no more,
And if I could I would take it back, everything in store.

If only you would talk to me, but you’re already gone, how
Can I begin the healing when I can’t even fix a lie?
If I want to, I suppose I could open up my heart to someone I
Don’t know if I can make it to the door in my condition,
Every photograph is smiling, every photograph looks high,
Every time I try to close the door, a memory sneaks inside.

All the worthless desperation and the work is done for naught,
What am I supposed to do when you’re not even here?
I want to shut up long enough to hear a phony whisper,
Even when directly linked to the highway of my life, I
Open up to understanding nowhere else to go, I’m near
Where I began and in the end I am in fear,
Because without you I am nothing, and that nothingness is clear.

This is my happy ending, a blow straight to my heart,
The glass is broken under my feet, the lights don’t seem to work,
I can’t help but feel the rejection in each smile that I see,
Your face floats everywhere, I really can’t describe it, how I
Left because I didn’t know, I wasn’t sure, I panicked, lurked,
I know you hate me ‘cause I’m fake, I know I was a jerk,
But if you would just listen for a moment without question,
And in that moment see each photograph is really what we had,
I want you to understand what I went through…the good and the bad.

It's guys like you that make us girls fall in and out of love.

2008-08-13T20:20:00.001-07:00

Like they always say,
he was the song I tried to sing and the note I couldn't hit.
My lovely little fake February romance, you were a lesson learnt the hard way.
Sleep is overated, I stay up to cry and choke myself with tears.
I stain my pillow, and I know this process too well.
Take my heart and make it crash and burn once more; I know this by heart.
How is my heart supposed to think when it's been left alone?
No one makes sense.
This has beautifully blended my heartache into honestly aching weaved rhymes.
Goodbye to all of this, complacent fucker.
Because prior to that,
I'm already wasted.

This is like, the third time I'm blogging today.
I guess I'm feeling rather okay. Sometimes I can never understand myself.
I'm perfectly fine in the day, going around being myself, windsurfing, songwriting, and then at night the nightmare comes. It's like living a double life that I can't control.
I'm afraid; how long is this gonna continue?
I should be stronger than this, esp. since he was such a fucker. My parents have so much faith in my that I'll be mature in this whole breakup issue thing. & here I am falling into pieces when I should be so much more smarter, instead of doing stupid things in the name of love.
Or should I say, ex-love.

I’ll take you out, though I’m hardly worth your time.

2008-08-13T20:16:00.000-07:00

Things are pretty okay this week, I've been windsurfing even though I'm shit sick. No practice today though. Kinda sucks, but I loved Tues training 'cause I managed to make it upwind without screaming and falling.

Spent the past few days listening to FMstatic, secondhandserenade, all time low and Mayday parade. Seriously, since I came out of the girlshome I've been hooked onto Remembering Sunday 'cause it was all I listened to [including Tonight] while I was at Alex's place. These guys make good music and I'm gonna see Boys Like Girls on 31 August, anybody wanna join me come ahead.

I gotta get a few new CDS and daddy gave the thumbs up, all I need to do is to pass him the list of CDs I want. There's like so many that aren't released in Singapore yet but I guess I'll go pre-order 'em @ HMV. Haven't been to Borders for 2 weeks, I need new reads and new copies of Girlfriend, Nylon and Disorder.

Received a Friendster message from Alex a few days back. Kinda sucks 'cause guys don't ever realise that after hurting us ten times over, and telling us that they really loved us, it totally doesn't make us feel any better. But whatever.

At least I've been doing alot of writing and songs. I got some poetry workshop@Substation to attend and some play at Raffles Hotel this Sunday with Rozie Pozie. I love Rozie.

He thinks I'm doing fine in life now. Goes to show how well I conceal everyth now. I'm expressive and emotional but whatever tears that happen behind closed doors are only for JingMei and Jasmine to know.

I guess there are two sides to a breakup, the nice and the ugly. It def. feels nice meeting new people, guys or girls and it does suck when I can't sleep at night 'cause I'm afraid to. For the past few nights I've been staying up till one, choking myself with tears and staining my pillow.

Don't apologise to me, Alex. You owe yourself an apology. Maybe we'll see each other in court or smth.

Call up your friends
and lets go down to the beach
bring your stereo
and all your favorite cds
we'll bring out our guitars
sit on top of our cars
and sing the night away just like rock stars
it's wide open, everyone scopin'
we're hopin' to have a night
where nothing gets broken
I will be leaving you tonight

Girl of the year, counting the scales.

2008-08-13T20:13:00.000-07:00

Photos of happiness. It feels good post-breakup. Had some fun last night printing them out. I haven't felt so good in awhile. So I guess the breakup was a blessing in disguise.

Went for windsurfing today too. It was pretty fun. Some cute short dude named Ignatius joined us today.

I've been really okay the past two weeks. Not like some cryanddie crashandburn kinda thing. More like some DAMNITI'MFREETODOWHATEVERIWANT kinda feeling. And now I think I'm gonna be waaaaaay smarter when it comes to chosing guys out for love.

Not that I'm on the search for love though. For once I think it's pretty okay to be single.

All my life I needed someone to tell me that. I guess it's pretty cool that I learnt that myself.